Just Thinking.

Hey guys,
I'm doing a journal entry again because I have no idea what to write about with poems. Nothing is really inspiring me right now. My life is ehhh. My relationship with my mom is getting worse by the minute, she loves to go out with friends, but not with me, and when I bring it up she gets mad, and says she needs a life of her own. It hurts so bad that I'm leaving in two years to college, and just the thought of not having a relationship with her by then, is just making me sad. I don't have a dad, and at this point, it's like I dont have a mom either. She's never been there for me. I played Soccer this past year and I had about 20 or so games, and she never came to one of them, it just hurts so bad, I've tried so hard to build this relationship that doesn't exist and probably won't. I want it more than anything.

I don't know how to approach her anymore. I told her I loved her the other day and she said she hated me. I don't want to hate my mom, but it's getting to that point :(. I can't remember the last time I heard I love you, I'm proud of you, or I want to spend the day with you. I'm so confused right now. Just last night she told me 20 things she hates about me, and I just sat there and listened to it. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom to death, and I'd do anything for her, but I need my mom to be there. I'm almost sixteen years old, I need her the most right now, but she's not here. If it wasn't for my grandparents I'd be in New York, with adoptive parents. Just a couple weeks ago, she told me how she was going to give me up to a couple who desperately wanted a baby, but couldn't conceive, she was a pediatrician and he was a lawyer. After she told me that I remembered when I was younger and she said that I was a mistake.

Recently I got an invitation to Las Vegas, for the poets convention and I told my mom about it and she acted like this is nothing. It meant so much to me but now I dont know if it's really that big of a deal. My poem "Angel" is getting published in Fall of 2008 by poetry.com and I told her about it and it was as if I was telling my dog.

I'm sorry I'm just rambling about something that probably doesn't matter, but I need to get this out, and there is no way that my mom would listen. I don't know what to do about this anymore. Should I just not try anymore and move on with my life? or. Keep trying until I leave?

Story ID:	4046
Written by:	Miranda Perez (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:	Diary/Journal Entry
Location:	QC USA
Year:	2008