Dr. Skitz O’ Frantic|
(Through a series of these essays, I have found that my mind isn't what it used to be, or is it?)
After studying for my Doctorate in Butler County Junior College, Ks. I finally got my B.S. degree. Twelve years in a Junior College can be beneficial to your knowledge. This B. S. Degree is not Bachelor of Science but real B.S.
I am a red headed Norwegian from Ireland and I found this to be to my advantage also. I hung up my shingle (a 2 x 12 x 8ft. board) outside Quartzsite, Cal. and started the process of establishing an office.
I found a used assay office that was abandoned, for 10 dollars a month and proceeded to hire a receptionist. I wanted a nice looking matronly woman so I wouldn’t be distracted from my practice with ulterior thoughts.
I put an ad in the paper and the first young lady to apply for the job was an “eleven.” Ten being best she surpassed all the things that were needed to fulfill the job. I soon forgot my original plan of the matronly secretary and receptionist and settled for Miss Twist.
The interoffice phone rang and Miss Twist told me my first customer was in the waiting room. I told Miss Twist to let him or her in.
I arose to meet a large woman with a big box gaily wrapped under her arm and had her lay down on the couch.
She started out by telling me that she was trying to lose some weight and couldn’t figure out why she could not lose any pounds. She opened the big box and there were pounds of Bon-Bons and she started eating them while she talked. She told me that she thought that she could eat candy and it would be all right because she always drank Diet Cokes along with the candy. She asked me what I thought about her being heavy and if I could help her with her problem.
I told her that if she would leave out the Diet Cokes she would be in good shape. She thanked me and paid Miss Twist and left with a smile on her face.
The interoffice phone rang and Miss Twist told me that my second customer was in the waiting room. I told Miss Twist to bring him or her on down.
Juan Martinez came in and I promptly laid him on the couch. His story was that he couldn’t understand Spanish. It was spoken in his home since he was a kid but he couldn’t understand a word that his mother or Dad said to him. He was about to be thrown out of his home for this. He wanted to know what to do.
I told him to teach English to his Mom and Pop. Juan thanked me and left. Miss Twist collected the money and Juan walked out of the office with a smile and a new out look on life.
Then I told Miss Twist that I was going out for lunch and for her to entertain my next patient while I am away from the office. I had my usual two fried Hummingbird eggs, very low in cholesterol and my Sardine and Peanut butter spread on Pumpernickel. My favorite drink was a Goat milk shake with lots of soy sauce.
After eating at the Quartzsite Cafe I returned to the office and Miss Twist was stripping to the tune of “My country Tis of Thee.” I asked her what she was doing and she said you told me to entertain the patient while you were away.
I entered my office and called for the next patient on the interoffice phone and Miss Twist ushered in Senator Dew Nothing.
When Senator Dew Nothing lay back on the couch he started to tell his problem to me. He told me that he was having trouble with his conscience. He said that he promised lower taxes but failed to comply. He promised more money for Education and didn't come through. He promised that he would be faithful to his wife but couldn’t hold up under the strain of of sharing the office with a bevy of beauties that were his office staff.
He promised that he would not misuse the taxpayers money. He said that he failed at all his promises and what would I suggest that he do.
I thought for a minute and told the Senator to go back to his office and deny to his conscience that he promised all these things and this would clear his conscience. He thanked me and paid for the office call with food stamps and left in his chauffeured limo.
Then I called for my next patient and Miss Twist came in with a Cowboy in tow and had him lay down on the couch.
Doc the Cowboy started, I am in love. I have never been so deeply in love in my whole life and I am now Forty years old. This love has flowered for only about three weeks but I can’t sleep, eat or think straight. I have trouble singing “Git along little Doggies” I used to be able to sing this over and over and I enjoy singing it. This love has me totally confused what can I do?
Start singing “Red River Valley,” I told him.
The Cowboy thanked me and paid his bill and left singing the Red River Valley, hopped on Old Paint and rode off into the sunset.
The last patient of the day was ushered in the office by Miss Twist. I looked at the clock on my desk and hoped that the new patient wouldn’t take too long because I wanted to get home in time to see Matlock on T.V.
Miss Twist introduced Mr. Peabody a very small man, pale, thin, and he was constantly looking behind him. This man was obviously scared to death about something or some one.
After I finally got Mr. Peabody on the couch and at ease, Mr. Peabody started to talk hesitantly about his problem.
In a soft voice Mr. Peabody said that his wife was beating him. She always hit him where the bruises wouldn’t show. She used a whip on his backside and it left large welts on the skin. He asked me what he should or could do.
I told Mr. Peabody to go home and tell your wife to use a 2x4 board instead of a whip, that way the board wouldn’t cause welts just bruises. He thanked me, paid, and left humming the “Battle Hymn of the Republic.”
Miss Twist and I left the office, after locking up, and proceeded to the nearest shrink to get our daily dose of reality so we could face another day of assisting the public.
Monte L. Manka 08-24-99
Attention: Sincerely yours, Dr. Skitz O’ Frantic
B.S., from B.C.C. JC El Dorado, Kansas
CD, VCR, DIR, PDQ, RFD, FOB, COD, IRS, CIO, AFL, CFO, AND other degrees received through Degrees dot com.