Now up there in Podunk County,Tennessee People take their sports very serious,the same as they do any where else in America,the main diference being in the type of Sporting events attended,for instance,down here (we being flat landers)we might attend a Base Ball Game,a Foot Ball Game or a NasCar race,while in Uncle Fossill's neck of the woods they might attend a Chicken Plucking contest,a Possum Racing contest or even Bear Wrestling contest,and up there,the same as down here,these events are well attended and discussed vehemently and seriously.|
This is how My Uncle Fossill became a sports Hero up there in Podunk County.One bright morning Uncle Fossill was in the local saloon having a nice quiet drink of Mountain Dew (not to be confused with the well known soft drink by the same name)being well into His cups,He bragged to Fuller Clodfelter that He (Uncle Fossill)could out spit anyone in Podunk County in a tobacco spiting contest,now Mr.Fuller Clodfelter was the reining champeen tobacco spitter of Podunk County,and maybe the best tobacco juice spitter in the whole country and took great offense with My Uncle Fossill's bragging and I was resonably certain that when Uncle Fossill came to His senses He would certainly regret having uttered those words also.It was decided (by Uncle Fossill,because He was the chalenger) that the contest would be held up at the old pine tree,an old tree that had seen many a contest I am sure,since every one present seemed to know just where and what tree had been mentioned,and that a huge circle would be drawn around that old tree in which the contestants could stand and spit in any direction,so long as they were inside the circle,this was so that a new comer (like Uncle Fossill) could judge which way the wind was blowing,incidently,this was the same pine tree that Uncle Fossill's great great grand daddy had been hung by Fuller Clodfelters great great grand daddy about a hundred years ago.
Fuller Clodfelter agreed to these rules and so the great day arrived,every one for miles around came to see the big contest,every one it seemed but Uncle Fossill,He was no where to be found,He was not at the baked possum tail booth,He was not down at the cold moon shine stand he was not even to be found at the porcupine catching contest for kids,He was simply "not there"Every one was greatly disappointed at his not showing up,every one but Fuller Clodfelter who loudly proclaimed himself the winner by default,"Now hold on there Clodfelter,"said the Mayor,"yew got to at least spit once if'n yew are to be the winner! thats rightcheer in the small print of the official contest rules of Podunk City duley wrote up and seconded by the City and County Counsel just last week!"At this news,Clodfelter strode to the center of the circle and spoke in a loud voice,"This contest were Fossill's ideer,so Ima spittin as is it is written in them contest rules!"with that He spat a brown stream of plug tobacco juice for a distance of 20 feet"Now",said Clodfelter,"I am the official winner!""Jest yew hold on a secont there Clodfelter!"spoke Uncle Fossill from up in the tree,"I AM here,I been here all nite and hits my turn to spit!"with those words Uncle Fossill spat a stream of tobacco juice stright down the tree which just happen to land square on top of Fuller Clodfelters head,a distance of 40 feet.Uncle Fossill was declared the winner and new champeen tobacco spitter of all Podunk County Tennessee and maybe the whole world.