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Uncle Fossill's Great Fishing Trip

Story ID:7823
Written by:bobby o'neill mitchum (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:Fiction
Location:Phenix City Alabama U.S.A.
Year:2012
Person:Self
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I happened by my Uncle Fossill's house the other day and found him in a stae of exceedingly bad humor,he had rather large lumps on his face and a rather red and nasty looking rash with scratches here and there on his arms.
Uncle Fossill! I exclaimed,what on Earth happened to you!?" Boy" he replied,(Uncle Fossill always calls me Boy)yew jest dont want to know!an dadburn hitall,I dont really want to repeat hit neither!but after further pleas on my part as I sensed another Fossill Adventure as I have come to call all Uncle Fossills tales,he told me this:
Boy,my old cousin Buford came by bout a week ago awanting ta go on a dadburned fishin trip over to the clingamahatchee river,I tole thet idjit thet he was a jest a looking fer an excuse to go outen thet river to git a drank er two of my special brew but he promised me thet that wasnt so and thet he hadn't even gave that brew a second thought,I shoulda known rite then an thar hit was his first thought thet I shoulda been a questioning,anyhow we agreed to go fishin on the week end and sho nuff Cousin Buford showed up,he showed up with his wife,his ole hound dawg and 5 kids,wal I shoulda backed out rite then as I jest knowed hit was a gonna tarn out bad.However i went on along seeing as how I didn't wanna keep them kids of his'zen from haveing a good time and enjoying nature so to speak.
Anyhow,we got to this river,tha Clingamahatchee an we set up three tents,1 fer me an Flossie Mae,1 fer ole Cousin Buford,his wife an kids an 1 fer tha ole hound dog,hit seems as if'n thet hound dog had a indigestion problem an Cousin Buford says hit would be better if'n ole gator bait slept alone.
Wal I tlt them kids of hiz'n ta go out and git somthing to make a far (fire) frum an they come back with a whole arm load of bushes and which I took off'n them and I made a huge ole far ta keep tha skeeter frum a bitin all us'ns an i shoulda recognized hit was poison ivy but I was sorta distracted by thet ole hound dawg,he was a moaning an a whimpering so with thet indigestion he had anyway we all git into thet small boat of Cousin Bufords,Me an Flossie we was up in what Buford called to Bow ,yew know? like a Bow and Arrow? I tried ta tell thet fool thet hit was called a Bow like yew do in church sometimes but he wouldent hear of hit,he said he was a fishin an hit didn't have nuthin to do with no church,anyway,Flossie,Me,Buford 5 kids and thet hound dawg we goes a ridin out thar in thet water an we's a lookin fer a place ta throw our lines fer bout an hour or so,wal 1 of them kids says looka yonder! whuts thet thang a floatin out thar in thet water!? I said hit a Bouy, clarence! Wal Clarence allowed thet he aint never seen no Boy a floatin out in no River like thet an wanted a closer look,sew Buford (we been hitting thet Special Brew a bit) decides thet hit would make a dandy place to tie off'n and then we all could fish and maybe catch an ole mud cat fer dinner tonite,ole Cousin Buford he gits thet boat up close ta thet ols Bouy and throws me a rope and says hyere Fossill yew tie thet ta that thar Boy and make hit real tite so's we dont go a driftin back into tha current,walll I did jest thet I tied thet thar rope so tite hit was like thet thar proverbial Gordian Knot! an thet Boat,hit drifted back a bit an I looked an thar wuz tha biggest ole red wasps nest rite thar in muh dadburned face! them ole wasps were a looking at me an a flutterin them thar wings and a buzzing an jest plain telling we'uns to GIT!I hollerd back at Buford real loud so's he'd not have no trouble a hearin me BUFORD! THARS A DANGNABBED WASP NEST ON THET BOUY! wal,them kids of Bufords began ta screaming and a flailing around like they was a havin a coniption fit an a tryin ta jump off'n tha dadblamed boat cause they thought thet I ment thay was wasps on THEM instead of thet thar River Bouy an Flossie Mae was a screamin FOSSILL CUT THET ROPE! CUT THET ROPE! while cousin Buford was a hollerin GIMME THET BOTTLE! an I was a tryin ta run an thet ole hound dawg was a barkin and a howlin an a snappin at them thar wasps,wal sumbdy finally did cut thet thar rope,i dont know who t'was but hit shore werent none of me thet did it!
by this time I was a beginning ta itch a bit (frum thet poison ivy thet them kids drug up ta burn)an them dadblamed red wasps didn't do me no good neither wal we'un finally did git back to the river bank an tha camp site an then thet ole hound dawg took a notion to tree a dad burned ole coon,wal we'uns aint caught no fish atall so I said ima gonna git thet ole coon an we is agonna eat hit tonite.With that I went off into them thar woods an found thet ole dawg a barkin and a howlin up a big ole oak tree an I could jest barely make out thet ole coon away up thar settin on a limb an a lookin down at me,I commenced a climbing an i finally gets close nuff an i retched up thar an grabbed thet ole coon rite by tha scruff of his neck an hollered I GOTCHA YEW OLE DADGUMMED COON! wal...hit wernt no coon atall! hit were a ring tailed cat! thet cat commenced a screaming an a clawing sumthin feirce,hit bit an hit clawed and scratched till I lost muh dadburned balence and both of us came a crashin ta the dadburned ground I broke muh dang arm,the cat went one way an me another and both of us a screaming like a banshee,Flossie,Buford an that kids all came a runnin and a screamin at me WHARS THA COON!? !