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Interview Number One: A Vampire

Story ID:8693
Written by:John Ward (bio, contact, other stories)
Story type:Fiction
Location:Floontown England
Person:DuChene Longshanks
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OurEcho Preface This post deals with a mature theme or contains explicit language. While the post is not extremely violent or pornographic, it does contain language or explore a subject matter that may offend some readers. If you do not wish to view posts that deal with mature themes, please exit this post.
I am sitting in a dark cell with a single bulb dangling from the ceiling. There is a small table and two wooden, straight-backed chairs. There is a bunk bed with no pillow and a thin mattress. A high window provides indirect light during the day, but it’s dark now and has become the perch of my interview subject. He hangs from his perch, upside down, by his heels. His name is DuChene Longshanks.

“It would be easier if you could come and sit on the chair opposite me…” I ventured.

“You humans don’t realize how healthy sleeping upside-down is. The blood rushes to my head and is doing marvelous things in my brain.” He had a lovely deep sonorous voice that had the power to hypnotize. I would have to stay vigilant.

“I tried once” I said “I thought my head would explode and then I got gas.”

He turned to look at me. “Another benefit is: you see the world in its correct perspective. The sky should be below your feet.”

“I see” I said. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Can we start the interview?” I asked.

“Haven’t we already?” He seemed to be chiding me.

With one swift movement he flipped himself over and landed on cat like feet. “Don’t stare” he said “They won’t give me access to a podiatrist.”

“How long have you had cat-like feet?” I asked.

“Longer than you have been impotent!” He barked.

“But I’m not impotent.” I said quickly. “Oh? then… even longer than I thought” he mused.

“Alright let’s start with how long you’ve been here?” I asked.

“Five hundred and thirty seven years…”

“No I meant here in this cell?”

“Oh,” he continued “I’ve just been here for a hundred and six years. Queen Victoria had just died when they put me in, not too long. Why did you want to interview me?”

“Well... I truly think people would be interested to know about Vampires. I mean, there are so many theories out there, TV and film interpretations, you never know which is valid” I explained.

“Fine – shoot!” He melted into the chair opposite mine.

“Where do Vampires come from?” I began.

“Bat Caves” he retorted and then chuckled mischievously.

“OK, no, really, you have to be serious. You said you would grant me an interview. That means I ask questions and you answer them.”

“OK fine go on then… We’re originally from another planet. We came to this one a long time before there were any humans. In fact your people are the result of a scientific experiment the great Professor Lentiel Brunthwhack was conducting. It went wrong and the next thing we see is these strange looking things oozing out of Professor Brunthwhack’s petridish and the rest is history.”

“Well what are some of the great things about being a Vampire?” I asked.

“Just being superior to you and everyone else is the best thing. I mean, just the knowledge that you are all inferior beings puts quite a snap in my shorts. Then there is our super-strength – watch this:” With that he stood quickly and held the chair above his head!

I was stunned and very impressed. Unfortunately he had jumped up so quickly and flourished the chair so rapidly that it hooked on a stubbed gas outlet near the ceiling and stuck there and no matter what we tried, we could not get it down. So now we were reduced to one chair, the bed and the table.

“What else?” I prodded. “Well, we can fly, that part’s true, but only with a lot of effort. Mainly we like to drive and usually a Ferrari or a Lamborghini, although now that Audi owns Lamborghini, it’s kind of lost its pizzazz!” He looked dreamily at the wall, as if it opened onto a Tuscan highway with tall Cypress trees flashing by at 160 miles an hour.

“Oh yes, we are also devastatingly handsome and darkly charming, as I’m sure you've gathered. In addition, we have a tremendous grasp of History; I mean we've lived most of it. It’s hard for me to read in a history book where David Crockett bravely fought off Santa Ana at the Alamo, when I know that at the time he was full of Whiskey, his boots were full of excrement and he spent the battle hiding under the petticoat of a Mexican cleaning woman called Pilar, crying ‘I’m not here mammy’ into her corsets.”

“OK, what are some of the draw-backs of being a Vampire?”

“Well… take personal grooming for example. Do you have any idea how hard it is to groom yourself to this degree of beauty when you can’t see yourself in a mirror? My biggest fear, every day is whether or not I am having a ‘Bad-Hair Day!’ You break a mirror and it’s seven years bad luck, we break one and it’s seven years bad nothing! I hate that mirror thing! Why the heck can’t we see our reflections? Who came up with that little characteristic?”

“I guess, that could be a concern.” I agreed.

“You guess? What about personal hygiene? I have to sleep in dirt from my birthplace - which is New Jersey! Have you smelled New Jersey soil? It’s revolting! That stupid tradition was started when we came to the West from places like Romania, Hungary, Bulgaria! The soil was good and unpolluted. Christ!”

“Wait! You can say Christ’s name?” I was stunned.

“Ah c’mon! Firstly Christ is not his Name – it’s his title. This is like you idiot Christians and the “Taking the Lord’s Name In Vain” nonsense, when you say something like ‘Oh God it’s late!’ God is NOT his Name… it’s Yahweh or Jehovah, but the word GOD is a title! So if anything, you’re taking his title in vain which is specifically NOT prohibited by the Ten Commandments.”

He had a point.

“Not only that, even just talking about taking His title in vain, it’s not taking it in vain to say “Oh God, I’m late!” No... It’s saying something like “If I don’t get eight million by Wednesday, God will take me home!” Thereby frightening the crap out of your listeners and using the title to procure cash. That’s taking the title of the Lord thy God in vain.”

Jeez, he had another point.

“Let’s get back to draw-backs of being a Vampire.” I ventured.

“Fine! Let’s see… OK, you know we feed by sucking the blood of our victuals… er victims, right?” I nodded. “You think it’s easy to feed like that?” he continued. “I mean, when you feel peckish, you go to MacDonald’s and get a burger. We have to find a good candidate, stalk him or her, wait until we get them in a deserted part of the city, get into a struggle that, although we are sure to win with our super strength, could result in a tooth knocked out by a lucky punch and what if it’s a canine? We only have the two hollow ones to feed with. You lose those and you’re going to endure death by starvation – sixty days, tops.”

“Right” I agreed “It has to be tough feeding and especially when you have to find a virgin. That’s got to cut down the smorgasbord today. Are there even any virgins over 12 left?”

“Oh no, that’s a crock!” He smiled exposing his canines. “No, we made that virgin crap up to make virginity a condition that women would try to avoid. This was the best idea Leopold Cropelstein had. He was on our council, the only guy with a sense of humor. He said: ‘If we spread the rumor that we are after virgins exclusively, all the females in the village will put out trying to lose it and we’ll have lots of fun helping them.’”

I was aghast. “Do you mean you are sexually attracted to non-vampire women? That would be like me being sexually attracted to a meatloaf!”

“Oh hell yes, what are you thinking? Of course we have nothing against sex with humans. Then… well - we suck what we f... er, of course we don’t want that getting out or there will be a terrible shortage of intelligent women available for sex.”

I was puzzled “ Aren't women afraid to have sex with you?”

“Some are, but there are enough of the Vampire groupies that run around seeking us out with tattoos on their necks that say: ‘Bite Here!’ And Tramp-Stamps that say ‘Realm of Lestat!’ misspelled, of course. Writers like Ann Rice and Whitley Strieber keep us alluring.”

“Well” I continued “How do you propagate, or do you… I mean, with vampire women?”

“Yes we do, but you honestly don’t want a description of that activity! It’s revolting! Mainly we just increase out numbers by sampling the blood of others. That turns them Vampire after about a week. It’s very convenient when you know what the alternative is.”

“Ah come on, tell me about Vampire Sex!” I pleaded

“Nope” he was steadfast. “I don’t want to spend my night having nightmares. Suffice it to say it involves copious body fluids, biting, chewing, spanking, rubber gloves and fish-hooks. Give me a suck job anytime, which brings me to another draw-back of being a Vampire. In the old days you didn't have to be so careful about who you sucked, but today – Shite! Have you seen the child obesity statistics? Thanks to McDonald's, Burger King, Arby’s etc., almost everyone has diabetes! You suck enough diabetics and boy do you get cavities! Have you ever tried to get a dentist to work on vampire teeth? It’s almost impossible. You have to bite him and come back in a week, when he’s a Vampire.

“Well your teeth look good” I said.

“I had a great dental plan before they put me in here. I was lucky. My best friend, Joe the Creep, lost all his teeth. Poor bastard nearly starved to death before we could get some false teeth made for him. The teeth are not that hard, but attaching the canines to the mandibular arterial network is the tough part. He'd been living on blood transfusions up to then and I can’t tell you how humiliating it is for a Vampire to be buying blood in bags at a blood bank!”

He sat on the bed and continued. “And then there’s the loneliness. Yep: loneliness. There aren't a lot of us around, about ten percent of the population and even when we recognize each other, like at a party or some social event, we have to maintain discretion-a-mundo! No-one wants to think they invited a Vampire to their party. It was far easier back in the old days when people believed that ‘bleeding’ was good for you. Most of us had jobs as Surgeon Bleeders. I remember bleeding a lot of Noblemen in the seventeen hundreds. I got so fat in those days…”

His voice trailed off in a moment of nostalgic reverie.

“Another problem is commercial flight! It’s hard to figure out whether your flight will last into the morning because of head winds, or just the rotation of the planet bringing sunlight earlier than you expected. There’s always some wise-ass who wants his shade up!”

“Wait a minute! You said you could fly. Why wouldn’t you just fly to wherever you want to go on your own power?” I asked.

“You forget, I told you flying was not easy for us –– also, we have to be discreet. Do you know how many UFO sightings turn out to be just one of us who’s too cheap to pay the airline rates? Anyway, nowadays, the skies are full of chem-trails, jets flying hither and thither, private pilots with no skill whatsoever, rules and regulations… Did you know one of our council members suggested that we check in with the FBOs on approach and land on runways? What an absolute pillock!”

“Christ!” I exclaimed looking at my task bar, “I am up over 1,900 words! This interview will never be published.”

“Why not?” DuChene asked, amazed.

“Another 21st century characteristic – Short Attention Span. I mean, this is the age of ‘Twitter’ – if you can’t get your point across in 140 characters, you've lost the attention of your reader. So…” I reverted, “what else is tough about being a Vampire?”

“Oh I've just scratched the surface. Imagine oral sex with these” he said pointing at his teeth, “not exactly conducive to second dates. I got some fencing foil tips to put on them, but that just attracts attention to them. Also, imagine living forever. Sometimes I long for a stake in the chest" he said wistfully, "I mean, I’ve seen it all, done it all, maybe it’s time to move on.”

Suddenly there was a loud banging and clanging as the cell door was shoved open and there HE stood flanked by four of the meanest looking orderlies: Dr. Elmore Flailingbutt.

“What in the name of all that’s holy are you doing in this cell, inmate Ward? Who let him in here?” he asked no-one in particular.

DuChene Longshanks, known to the sanitarium staff as Jeffrey Thwick had returned to his upside-down perch and hung there pretending to be asleep.

“Ward! Get to your cell now! You know you’re not supposed to be out! Leroy, Lewis, grab him, dislocate both shoulders and nail-gun his buttocks to his bunk!”

As the two orderlies applied their knuckles to my gums with impressive regularity and commitment, I withdrew to the Land of Sloo and thought of my next interview. The one with Richard the Third of England who was just in the next cell over! Shit - 2,290 words!