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YOU ARE SO OBNOXIOUS!

Story ID:9852
Written by:Charles Micheaux (bio, contact, other stories)
Organization:Micheaux Publishing
Story type:Story
Location:New York New York USA
Year:1996
Person:Charles Micheaux
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Non-fiction (Sort of)
Bio of Charles Micheaux
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OBNOXIOUS, when I think of this word I think about my ex-wife...no, no, no...this is not to say my ex-wife was obnoxiuos; you see my ex-wife taught me how to use the word Appropriately.

I recall one evening my wife and I had just returned home from a socail function and just as I had undone my seat belt to get out of the car,
my wife grabbed me by the arm and snorted:

"CHARLIE! Do you have to be so OBNOXIOUS all the time?"

I looked to my wife and asked softly:
"What did I do know?"

My wife shook her head and snapped back:

"Why must you always carry 200 business cards in your pocket? You are always bugging the hell out ofpeople telling them about your company.
Nobody, I mean NOBODY... cares about your business when we go to a wedding.

That man you were talking to this evening...that man was 98 years old; I saw him when he put his teeth in his mouth, then you wlked over to him and started your sales pitch.
YOU.You are sooooooo embarrassing to me sometimes.

The poor fellow was just trying to eat his ice cream and cake in peace but you wouldn't let him...you just kept talking while the man's ice cream melted away.

I so wish you would stop being so OBNOXIOUS!
Well, Mister P.T. Barnum, do you have anything to say for your self?"

I looked up and whined:

"THANK YOU... FOR YOR SUPPORT?"

Well friends, some years past and the wife and I decided to call it quits.

One morning I sat at the kitchen table with a number two pencil and a scrap of paper to write down all the items I would walk with as a result of our spilt.

My wife walks into the kitchen with a brief case and she's wearing a very expensive businees suit.
I on the other hand have on a pair of jeans, a T-shirt and flip-flops made in China.

My wife takes off her glasses and opens up her brief case and she removes a calculator, a pencil sharpener, a tape recorder, a tape ruler, a legal dictionary, a camera and several ball point pens.

I'm thinking to myself:
("Hey baby, you're in trouble now)

My wife quickly pulls out her laudry list of things that she must have and I simply nod yes.
After 20 of my "yes dear's"

My wife screamed at me:

CHARLIE! Is there anything you want?"


I try hard to find my voice:

"Well, um yea, uhh, I want to keep my Mercedes,,,
and uhh, eye, ummm, hmmmmmm... eye, uhh, I want the Microwave too!"

My wife smiled wide:
"Taht sounds equitable to me, but just hold on a minute, I need to check something, I'll be right back."

My wife took a final tour of our home followed by our beautiful Cocker Spaniel, named Shakespeare.
My wife had a devilish grin on her face and I knew something was up.

My wife cleared her throat:
"What about Shakespeare?"

I looked at the well groomed Cocker Spaniel and I remembered the time he pooped on my pillow and made it look like a candy bar. Shakespeare seemed to have a smile on his face.

I wanted to kick him, but I knew he'd bite me hard.

I replied back to the wife:

"Well, Shakespeare LOVES you and frankly speaking...he does not give a damn about me
(This brought a smile to my wife's face) so, it would be best if you took him with you, but do me a favor, leave me a can of dog food and a spoon, because...I may get hungry."

My wife looked at me ( Shakespeare was giggling) and she looked me up and down and said:

"You are so Obnoxious!"


****************************************

Fred, Ronnie, Chuck D. , Monte, Nancy and Sandi,
may you all have a great 4th of July Holiday.

Best,
Charles Micheaux